PDA & Play

Does this situation sound familiar? Your Autistic child is asked to complete a task, and they turn around and hiss or growl at you. Or maybe you are asked to complete a task, and your inner creature wants to respond accordingly (as an Autistic person, I know this is true for me). If it does, perhaps we can find some community and common understanding together today—that’s my hope in writing this, anyway.

Being Autistic means so many different things to different people. At the end of the day, I’ve found that this label serves two major purposes:

1. Community and personal understanding, and

2. Access to funding and support.

Maybe you’re familiar with the newer label “PDA,” sometimes referred to as “pathological demand avoidance”—but let’s give the word pathological a much-needed break. Instead, we’re joining the team of people calling this experience “persistent demand avoidance,” because language is power, and it’s important to wield power kindly.

PDA is a specific experience for Autistic people that centers around a deep sense of fight-or-flight that’s triggered when an expectation lingers. This shows up in so many ways. It can be direct—like when someone asks a PDA Autistic person to do a task—or more indirect, like the lingering expectation of plans to hang out with a friend (this one really gets me).

Here’s the kicker about PDA: sometimes it impacts people even when they really want to do-the-thing, whatever it may be. The weight of the expectation paralyzes people. Some individuals with PDA describe feeling unable to move when this happens. If you can’t relate to this feeling, think of a time when you were so overwhelmed by an emotion that your body couldn’t function. Those of us who have experienced attachment-related traumas may know this feeling. Now imagine being confronted with that all day, every day. That’s a recipe for Autistic burnout (but that’s a topic for another blog).

So why become a cat about it? Words are powerful, but so is play. Many neurodivergent people use play to gain a sense of control over a world that feels out of their control. There’s no place where you have more autonomy than in a world you’ve created for yourself.

For parents: I’m not here to tell anyone what to do—I imagine you’re supporting your child in 101 unique and meaningful ways. But, if you’re looking for a suggestion in this situation, get into their world. All behaviour is communication, so ask yourself: What is my young person communicating? How would a cat—or any other creature—respond? 

My go-to is to purr and curl up in a ball beside the youth I’m working with. If they’re an angry, hissing cat, I want them to know I’m a gentle, kind cat who wants to connect with them in the world they’re creating. We are asked to step into a world not built for us every day, why not reciprocate? Stepping into a world of play might feel confusing, strange, or unnatural at first, but just like you welcome your child with grace and love into a world not made for them, they might welcome you into theirs. Often, the parents of neurodivergent children are a little ND themselves (ahem, many children are diagnosed first, and then the parents are…) so maybe this play will care for the child inside of you in a special way, too. 

For Neurodivergent humans: Unmasking can be scary in places that aren't ready for disruption. But finding creatures and spaces that honor your ability to cope—through creating distance from stress with play and imagination—is freeing, liberating, brave, and also the coolest. Where do you feel free to be all the weird versions of yourself?

If you’d like to know more about PDA autism here is a great podcast with a few episodes on PDA. If you think play therapy could help you or your young person, I would love to meet to chat a little bit more about what I do as a play therapist.  

Neurodiversity Podcast: Challenging What we Know About PDA available here.

Neurodiversity Podcast: PDA, Autism, and Parenting for Peace available here.

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